Welcome Back Ste!

It's been a while since my last post.

It feels good to be back.
I've been busy with my job and some other things.
Actually the desire to write something is always there.
But I always find excuses for not to write anything down.
Truth is, I don't want to always write down something sad and melancholic.

But as I read my old posts, I smiled.
It's funny to see my old days through those posts.
Since I still want to smile in the future, that's why I think I should back to write something again.

So, here I am.
A lot of things happened in the last one year.
So many to tell.
Just give me time, and I'll share some.

260312

I woke up early in the morning.
Maybe because I was anxious.
I really wanted to go to your place.
I wanted to refresh my mind for what happened yesterday.
I don't wanna be an ungrateful daughter, but my flesh always won on the upset emotion to the things related about my dad.
I love you dad, but somehow I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to react to every action you do.
I am just human, sometimes I lose my patience.
And I am sorry for that.

Finally I made up my mind.
I love my spontaneous decision.
I love it when my heart win over my mind.
I love it when I follow what my heart tell me what to do.

So, I was there.
At your place.
At the place where I can lay down and watch you play your game.
You don't have to say anything.
In the silence I can feel the peacefullness that I was looking for.
I know that you are my sanctuary.
I'd rather be beside you doing nothing, than away from you doing anything.

I was happy when you sat close to me while we're watching television with the guys.
Maybe you didn't feel anything special about it. That's okay.
This was just me and my way to be happy with simple things.

I was also happy when you teased me about me being jealous to the kid that I thought you're waving your hand at.
I know that you know (eventhough I'm not sure) that I still have feeling for you.
I do.

We sat next to each other and watched our favourite tv series.
We cuddled.
I love it when I can lay on your chest.
Smell your body scent.
I wanted to stop the time, I wish I can do it.
I was in heaven. With you.

I ended my long weekend perfectly.
I chose to spend it with the person who give me happiness effortlessly, just by being himself.

Thank you for the weekend.
Sorry if I was bothering you.

I Miss You

I miss you.
But I don't have the guts to tell you.

I read this on Twitter:
"I wanna write 'I miss you' on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you"

That sentence is so true.


What hurts me more?
Pretending that I don't care about you anymore.

I wish you know that I never stop loving or caring about you.
I just learn how to stop showing it to you.
Just as you wish.
Eventhough I know it hurts me so much, I will do it for you.
You.
The one that I love with all my heart.
The one that made me feel so alive.
And...
The one that never love me.

merasa nyaman dikasihani

Saya berada dalam keadaan sangat nyaman.
Saya menikmati kenyamanan yang saya rasakan.
Sayangnya rasa nyaman ini bukan berasal dari sesuatu yang saya harapkan.

Saya mengharapkan rasa nyaman karena dicintai.
Tetapi kenyataannya, saya tidak dicintai, saya hanya dikasihani.

mencintai tanpa pernah dicintai

Pernah mencintai seseorang tapi hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan?
Saya pernah.

Bagaimana rasanya?
Sakit.

Namun rasa sakit ini sebanding dengan kebahagiaan yang pernah saya rasakan.
Saya pernah merasa sangat bahagia.
Dan sekarang saya merasa sangat sakit.
Sangat berbanding dengan sangat.
Adil rasanya.

Ingin merasakan bahagia selamanya tanpa merasa sakit?
Hiduplah di negeri dongeng.
Atau bawalah rasa bahagia itu ke alam baka.

Saat ini yang ada hanyalah rasa sakit.
Haruskah rasa sakit ini saya bawa ke alam kekekalan?

Bahagiakanlah saya untuk yang terakhir kalinya, supaya saya bisa beristirahat dengan tenang.

A month to your birthday

Today is December 27th.
A month away to your birthday.

I'm kinda speechless right now.
Don't know what to write.

I'm a bit bored right now.
Nothing to do.
My mind keeps thinking about you, my happiness.

Hanya satu pintaku.
Jangan pernah berubah.
Tapi jangan juga berpura-pura jika hanya ingin menyenangkan hatiku untuk sesaat.
Apalah arti bahagia jika hanya sesaat?

As I wrote this, I was laying on a bed in a hospital.
I don't know what to feel.
Should I be sad or should I be happy?

I received overflowing supports from my family and friends thru Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, and text messages.
They say that they love me.
Nothing beats the joy of being loved.

What makes it better? It's you (yes you dimwit).
What you said means a lot to me.
I want to feel it forever.
Or at least I want it to be the last feeling that I feel in my life.
Let me take the joy of being loved as I walk into eternity.