The Pretender

It’s tough when someone special starts to ignore you, but it’s even tougher when you have to pretend that you don’t mind. #ihq

Are you ignoring me?
I don't pretend that I don't mind, but I just don't want to bother you.
That's the reason why I never text you first.
I just can wait for you to text me.
But you haven't texted me for 5 days.
And I hope you have reason for that.

Ragau... Random galau...

Nov 24th, 2011.

Hari ke-4 tanpa kabar dari kamu.
Kemarin kamu hanya nge-like status fb aku.
Kamu gak balas message yg aku kirim di fb.
Kamu dimana?
Lagi ngapain?
Mama kamu jadi ke Sydney?

Udah 3 kali berturut-turut aku mimpiin kamu. Mimpinya tentang cerita kita.
Ada koko dan mama kamu di mimpi aku. Rasanya begitu nyata.
Koko kamu gak suka sama aku.
Begitupun dengan mama kamu.
Tapi di mimpi aku itu kamu berjuang demi aku.
Sampai akhirnya aku diberi kesempatan oleh keluargamu.
Aku berusaha untuk tidak menyia-nyiakan kesempatan itu.
Sayang aku gak tahu gimana endingnya karena aku terbangun.

Hari ini nafsu makanku tinggi sekali.
Dari 2 hari yang lalu tepatnya.
Aku yakin pasti berat badanku naik.
PMS ini sudah merusak diet yang sudah kumulai dari beberapa minggu yang lalu.

Aku jadi ingat di akhir bulan Oktober kemarin, tepatnya setelah tanggal 29, berat badanku turun 3 kg dalam waktu 3 hari.
Ya, waktu itu aku sedang patah hati.
Sangat patah hati.
Should I thank you for that?

Tetapi aku lebih memilih terlihat chubby daripada harus kurusan karena patah hati.

I'm giving in, not giving up.

I'll go with whatever your decision is.
I'm not giving up with our relationship, I'm just giving in.
Thank God I have a good heart capacity to do this.
I don't think I have to say this, cause I think you already know how I want to fight for this relationship.
But I can't fight alone, you know it.
I don't want to force you, nor anybody.
If I do that, I'll end up with hurting somebody that I love, and that is definitely not me.
The happiness of the people I love is my priority in life.

Thank you for being nice this past few weeks, for always texting me just to update what will you do that day, or what you've done.
I feel like what I used to be.
But sorry I've felt that I was just a companion during your backpacking activities.

I'm just trying to be the best, I always try to be the best, give you the best cause you are my best.

I know the journey after this is not easy, but I should keep going.
It is so hard to let you go, you know it.
I have prepared my heart after what you said to me on October 29th, 2011.
I thought I'm ready, but right now I'm still crying while I'm writing this.
I'm strong, aren't I?